Your writing style is adequate but you missed a few typos (i.e.: "summery" and "to there pages"), and you don't meet the word count. Due to that a few explanations are not as precise as they should be. I.e.: the revenue model section is missing a few important things. A proper business model does not just have income, but also expenses. What are these expenses and how high compared to your income ?
You have included all the necessary sections including an ES test into your proposal
and you tried to explain e-business terms you use (i.e. ES-test),
but nevertheless the proposal isn't as clearly as it could be.
In the summary section you talk about a service as your product
("a service for people with mobility problems")
whereas in the product and market section you talk about mobility products as your product
("The product is all kinds of mobility products").
You should describe the service here, as outlined in the summary.
Then you go on and state that silver surfers are the fastest growing group
in the internet community. Where does that come from ? Things like that need to be referenced.
While you are at it anyway, try to dig out some statistics about your people with mobility problems.
How high is the percentage of these people in our population ?
How much money do they spend per year on the products we are talking about ? This sort of thing.
Numbers always impress !
It is not clear in the revenue section, who pays the commission ! The people or the retailers.
Only at the end in your conclusion the words retailer and commission pop up in one sentence.
Apart from that, the crucial question here is : "Why do retailers want to join your service ?". After all, this is where the money is coming from. You need to convince me, your bank manager, that a retailer wants to pay this commission ! But I am not convinced. All your retailers have already set up their own website. Do you really improve their reach ? Don't forget, if these retailers join your service then they put themselves in direct competition ! What about the manufacturers and retailers that do not have a website ? Wouldn't that make you biased ? Your customers might think so.